He texted me that morning at 7:23 AM "Know that I've been praying for you."And then he took his life...
I found out that night, and I was shocked, in disbelief, and then crushed...
I collapsed on my bed sobbing.... :'( My mom held me for a while and then my dad came and also held me. He gave me a blessing to give me comfort. It meant so much to me that he did that.
I had 2 yard work jobs the next day, I am grateful I worked alone because I kept breaking down off and on...
It hurts to know that despite how hard I have tried, in the end, it didnt work to keep him here.
He was always an amazing friend. He was always willing to help out and he loved to serve. He stood up for what he believed in. He was so nice, always trying to help someones day go better. The world lost a very amazing person...
Even though I know he is in a better place, I still have so many emotions of confusion, pain, hurt, and sometimes anger...although I feel bad for feeling that way.
Something that gives me comfort is that He is now able to see clearly how much he is loved. I am positive that Heavenly Father is taking amazing care of him...I am sure he is with loved ones, feeling love and joy.
It still hurts when I think about it...His funeral was on Monday the 14th, I wished I didn't have to go..But I know I needed to I guess to face it, or to let him know I cared.. He was loved here, He is loved by so many. I wish we could have helped him see that better. I wish I could have done more :(
I wish I could have....
The last time I saw him was the Sunday before he passed. We talked for a few minutes and I gave him a half hug...I visited his grave this week and I told him that next time I saw him I would give him a good hug. I didn't know it would be the last time on Earth I would have the chance. If I would have known I would have given him a better hug. :/
It is so interesting watching my life now, how hard it is to get back into reality. Its painful some days, then others I am fine, or even happy! I wasn't expecting this, I feel like every part of life right now has been affected, everything is more confusing, more hard to do the normal every day things.
The only thing I know is that as I turn my life over to God, he will help me overcome this..I just need to pray that God will lift this burden for me. I am grateful to have the knowledge that there is life after death, and that My Savior knows the pain that I am going through. He suffered for everyone.
Powerful experience my sis, perhaps his purpose wasn't to remain here but to give those he interacted with here our experiences an growth so that he could carry on to his next part. Maybe that's where he was needed more now.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about this. You are a wonderful person and you will keep going. You have to find what gets you through the next minutes, hours, days, weeks. If that corresponds to what someone thinks you should do - fine. If not - too bad. People grieve differently.
ReplyDeleteTaking your own life is never what is "meant to be". NEVER. Can we learn from Nate's experience? Absolutely. Can we choose to love better and make everyday count? Yes. But when a precious human is so filled with pain that they don't know how to cope with life, I will never believe that it was "meant to be". Is it a tragic reality? For sure, but God's love can swallow up the pain and help us turn the ashes into beauty. We can use Nate's beautiful life to remind us to love more and better.
ReplyDeleteTaking your own life is never what is "meant to be". NEVER. Can we learn from Nate's experience? Absolutely. Can we choose to love better and make everyday count? Yes. But when a precious human is so filled with pain that they don't know how to cope with life, I will never believe that it was "meant to be". Is it a tragic reality? For sure, but God's love can swallow up the pain and help us turn the ashes into beauty. We can use Nate's beautiful life to remind us to love more and better.
ReplyDelete